Wads of dirty toilet paper, pad wrappers, bloody tampons, pee, wet floors, an aroma of fecal matter. Shock, disgust, confusion, nausea, betrayal, sadness. The first stall of the Upper School bathroom has been violated time and time again. I happen to be a witness to these crimes against humanity.
Amidst a bathroom break in an AP literature class, I was attempting to escape the atrocities of “1984” by George Orwell. What I was not aware of was that I was about to be accosted by a traumatizing scene in the bathroom. A classmate came out with a shocked yet humorous expression and told me, “Beware of the first stall.”
Of course, I had to investigate; it was almost as if my AstroCartography chart was leading me there. As I opened the stall door, a vulgar image befell my eyes. I immediately felt the need to report the incident to the law (US administrative assistant Mel Hurst). I hurried over to the US office and busted through the glass doors. Shivering, tears in my eyes, I told Hurst that somebody needed to check the first stall. Terrified, I was only comforted by a lemon-lime Dum-Dum given to me by Hurst.
Upon hearing my scared account, US Assistant Division Head Paula Weatherholt came running out of her office, “Not again,” she said. I forced myself to meet her eyes as I countered with “Yes, the Bathroom Beast has struck again.”
After announcements, a few days later, US Division Head Peggy Wakeland sent all of the males out of the Upper School. Many girls laughed, some whispered; I, however, knew that PW^2 was about to crack down on the Tampon Terror.
Once everybody settled down, I gave Wakeland a supporting nod to give her the courage necessary to speak out against evil. She went on to describe the terrors of the first stall: how a bathroom turned biohazard put staff through hell and back to restore normalcy. Just seeing the sight caused me to seek psychiatric help. I cannot even begin to imagine the hallucinations, night terrors, and anxiety that the cleaning staff is most likely experiencing. I sincerely hope that the administration has given them large bonuses or some other well-deserved thanks.
Many have theories as to who the Fecal Freak is. Wakeland said, “This has never been a problem in my 30 years at Country Day… it must be the freshmen.” Of course, I would love to share my theories about the Biohazardous Barbarian, but I have been censored once again by Lisa Wallace, lover of the Constitution…and her job. All I can say is that we, as a community, need to persecute and hunt down the girl who is walking the halls with Geneva Convention violations following her around.
