Hello. My name is Ronald. Ronald the fly. My friends call me “Kamikaze.” Who am I, you ask? I am the fly that saved America from the inferno that is 2020. The coronavirus, racial injustice, and the election all went away for 24 hours because of me. I am the fly that carried out “Mission (REDACTED)”. I am the fly that landed on Vice President Mike Pence’s head during the 2020 Vice Presidential Debate on October 7. I am the fly that survived two minutes and three seconds of breathing in the pure chemicals and women’s hair product that covered Pence’s head. 

I’m pretty sure that Kamala Harris saw me land on his head, but she didn’t say anything. If you’re reading this Kamala, thank you. You probably did that very kind act thinking that I would vote for you and Joe Biden, but I feel obliged to let you know that flies can’t vote. Sorry. 

I recently learned about “memes.” I’ve apparently been the subject of many of these that reference how I got more news coverage than the actual debate did. You’re welcome. 

People ask how I got into “Kamikazeing” political candidates. Well, it runs in my family. One of my ancestors flew around former President Obama during an interview on a dare. He was brutally murdered by the President. Four years ago, my great-great-great-great-great grandfather landed on nominee Hillary Clinton’s face, but he quickly flew off when he smelled the amount of perfume. These stories have been passed down in my family generation to generation. They inspired me to follow in their wing flaps.

I started off doing small, local elections. I found that I had a pretty good tolerance for the hair sprays and gels that the candidates used. I also am one of the few flies that has ever stayed still on a candidate for more than one minute. I don’t know why, but candidates just don’t seem to notice me. 

The VP Debate was my first major gig, and I feel as if I did pretty well. I broke the records for the longest time on a candidate and the fastest Kamikaze dive onto a candidate. My speed upon approach topped out at 27.8 miles per hour. For reference, most Kamikaze Flies only reach 20 miles per hour. In addition to the world records, my agent informed me a couple of days ago that I have been nominated to the Kamikaze Hall of Fame. 

I think that I am done with Kamikazeing. I’ve had a good run, but I feel that it is time for me to hang ‘em up. I hope that I have inspired some flies to explore this dangerous but exhilarating field. 

I would like to end this by thanking all of my fans for the support over the past few days, as well as my family, who have kept me going through all of the fly swatters and bug spray.