cc: “Whole Lotta Red” is Whole Lotta Trash, May 18, 2021 / https://falconquill.org/7775/showcase/whole-lotta-red-is-a-whole-lotta-trash/

I would like to preface this letter by saying, Slattblatt09, whoever you are, I spare no one. Not men, not women, not children.

The date was Friday, September 17th, 2021. It has been almost exactly 5 months since my most distinguished article, “‘Whole Lotta Red’ is a Whole Lotta Trash”, was published and was, to my knowledge, well-received by the FWCD community. I sat down in the cold, hard, wooden chair that lives in my C Period classroom when Jack Carmichael ‘22 ushered me over to his desk where he was comfortably seated in a fabric covered desk chair and told me news that I have received my first hate comment. 

[email protected] had commented on “‘Whole Lotta Red’ is a Whole Lotta Trash”, saying, “This review was so trash i couldn’t even finish reading and I opened an account just to let you know how embarrassing this review is.”

First off: what? The status of friend or foe is yet to be determined. Initially, I thought it was a joke, but the more I read between the lines, the more I believe this to be a crime of passion. Could it possibly be The Chosen One, a Carti fan that isn’t deaf?

The jury is still out on who the perpetrator is, however I have deduced one person. Well, more of a Punk Monk Vampire named Playboi Carti. I figured this out only because there was a lack of “3”s used for “e”s and “o”s in place of Carti’s usual “0”s.

The author of this heinous comment has me sleeping with one eye open. I believe they are playing psychological games with me. The comment was submitted at 6:23 p.m. which if you rearrange it into a mathematical equation can read, 6=2×3. This simple equation equaling six is a reference to my statement that Playboi Carti doesn’t understand multiplication (this can be found under my in-depth analysis of Carti’s Beno!), further proving that Playboi Carti can not be behind this atrocious deed. You can call me crazy but I’m not the one dumb enough to still be reading a paradoid rant on an online highschool newspaper.

So anyways, Slattblatt09, whoever you are, thank you. You’ve kick started my career as a professional complainer so when it’s just me, my money, and Margot Robbie, I’ll make sure to remember your name.

Much love, Marshall Lehman