Starbucks has always piqued my curiosity. What is so great about it that people drive 90 mph in an outlet with no regard for people walking, just to get a cup of coffee? How has it captured the interests of both young people and boomers? Why is it every teenager’s dream job? Why do people make their orders part of their personality? What is stopping me from ordering a Puppuccino without owning a dog? Why are all the employees so passive aggressive? To answer these questions, I decided I would have to visit Starbucks myself because everyone I ask about it has, I believe, already been brainwashed into joining the cult. 

It was a Wednesday afternoon, when Charlotte Comeaux ‘24 agreed to drive me and her sister, Courtney Comeaux ‘26, to the Starbucks inside the Tom Thumb on Hulen. The store smelled like muffins and old people due to Tom Thumb being the meeting place for all people over the age of 65 (I have heard rumors that there is a secret entrance to bingo competition in the corner of the store and have seen on multiple occasions, old people stare at “milk” or something past it). The floors in the store were a dirty beige color, but the small Starbucks nook had black tiles to show that they are “different.”

When we arrived, Charlotte and Courtney gave their order while I rehearsed mine 23 times so the barista would not ask me to repeat my order five more times and then look at me disapprovingly. 

I was going to get a pumpkin spice latte, because I have seen people foam at the mouth thinking about it, but I was unsure about what size (tall, grande, venti, or treinta). Tall sounds like it would be large, grande also sounds like it would be large, venti does not sound like a cup size, and treinta sounds massive. I asked Courtney about the sizes and she said tall was the smallest, then grande, venti, and treinta. Before I could think about the other sizes, I was still fixated on the meaning of “tall.” How does the word tall equal small; they are almost opposites. I decided I would get a grande because I needed at least half an hour to process the other names. 

After Charlotte finished ordering I stepped forward to order, but a woman who looked like a small crusty white dog (her eyes were red too) cut in front of me. I said nothing and took a step back because she looked like was going to smack me in the knees with her cane. She gave her order at the speed of two words per minute, and then proceeded to argue with the barista for two hours about having a specific amount of whipped cream on her drink. 

The “woman” finally stepped to the side, and it was my turn to order. “Could I have a pumpkin spice latte grande?” The barista responded saying “We are out of those.” How is that possible? What was I supposed to say to that? Why does the old “woman” look like she is going to turn rabid? Why does the barista look like Jeffrey Dahmer? I had to think quickly. “Thank you” was my ingenious response. Neither of us were sure what to say next; we just looked at each other for 15 silent seconds. He finally asked me, “Is there anything else you would like to order?” I looked at the menu that should be used for an eye check up, and ordered the first thing I was able to decipher. “A caramel frappuccino grande.” He nodded his head, asked for my name, and told me to pay. While waiting for my drink I decided that I would not return to the same Starbucks or possibly any Starbucks again. 

Three minutes later, my drink was ready. Charlotte, Courtney, and I headed back to the car. I finally sipped my drink. 

Caramel Frappuccino: ($4.45- grande)

The first sip was full of just brown sugar. It was good but overpoweringly sweet; my second sip was the exact same. My third sip tasted like frothed milk and water. The rest of my drink switched between both sensations, either tasting like pure sugar or pure nothing. The whipped cream was good but there was barely any of the carmel sauce on it which was extremely disappointing. There were both good and bad parts. 

5.5/10

Coffee Frappuccino: ($4.45- venti)

“It was okay,” Comeux said. 

She commented on the after effects of drinking. 

“Both coffee and milk give me a stomach ache. It’s good for five minutes while I drink it.”

Her rating was 8/10 even though it caused her multiple issues and she said it was “okay.” 

Iced matcha latte with brown sugar: ($6.55- venti)

“It’s a bit of an earthy, grassy taste with a bit of sweetness,” Isa Rios ‘23 said. 

She rated it a 9/10. 

It tasted like nothing until the after taste. It tricks you into thinking your taste buds don’t work. The aftertaste has a very small hint of matcha and sugar. In response to Isa’s rating, I personally have tasted grass which is why I am not sure why anyone would pay to drink it. 

4/10

White Iced Mocha: ($4.45 – grande) 

Caroline Carmicheal ‘24 commented on it, saying it had a strong coffee taste. 

“It is a mix of sweetness and bitterness,” Carmichael said. 

She expanded on her thoughts by saying “I don’t really like it, I just drink it.”

Caroline rated it a 6/10. 

Cake Pops: ($1.95)

“They are so expensive, but are definitely worth it. They taste like delicious vanilla goodness,” Carmichael said.

Caroline rated it a 9.8/10. 

I have tried cake pops and I agree they are tasty, however, I would like to point out that it is cake on a stick, and it costs 2 dollars. You could just buy a cake and cover it in frosting and it would be much cheaper; you could even buy small plastic sticks and it would still be cheaper. 

After conducting my investigation, I have gained some answers to my questions. 

What is so great about it that people drive 90 mph in an outlet with no regard for people walking, just to get a cup of coffee? That’s just how Texans drive.

How has it captured the interests of both young people and boomers? Caffeine is addictive, and some Starbucks drinks have too much caffeine.

Why is it every teenager’s dream job? I still do not know why it is so appealing.

Why do people make their orders part of their personality? Some people don’t have a personality besides their starbucks order.

What is stopping me from ordering a Puppuccino without owning a dog? Nothing. 

Why are all the employees so passive aggressive? I still have no idea.