The Chicken Plucker’s 44 Things to do Before You Graduate

Marshall Lehman, Online and Perspectives Editor

Completely forget the Alma Mater’s second verse 

Fondle a goose

Plant a FWCD flag in the center of TVS’ football field like Neil Armstrong

Defecate in every bathroom on campus

Go to Washington D.C. (sorry class of ‘22 and ‘23)

Call Mrs. Wallace “Mom”

Get capped from the University of Texas at Austin

Sniff the drug dog’s butt because you have that dawg in you

“Fire it up”

Run for STUCO but lose because the bourgeoisie is praying on your downfall

“Cook” on the ropes course in an RV with Mr. Lichaj

Be the first person to solve one of Ms. William’s Hink Pinks

Read one article on The Falcon Quill website. Just one. Please.

Tell a Yerd where they can stick their ten-pound book

Accept the fact that F Quad is Gryffindor, W Quad is Ravenclaw, C Quad is Hufflepuff, and D Quad is Slytherin

Actually complete your summer reading

Contract food poisoning at least five times from SAGE

Don’t ever study. Wing it. Trust me.

Journey to the Kindergarten building just for the adventure to end in tears because “They’re so little. What happened to me? Who am I?”

Thank your parents

Receive a funny look when you say Upper School instead of High School

Tackle the dummy during an ALICE drill

Disgrace Garret Podell ‘15

Commit to play D1 sports, but only at Ivy League schools

Uncover what really happened to Ms. Hayes’ cat

Let me see you get down, no way, let me see you get down, okay

Figure out why astronauts in space are weightless

Self-diagnose Senioritis

Maybe actually think about what you’re going to do with the rest of your life

Sign the Honor Book as “McLovin”

Join Track & Field for Jared Connaughton and Joe Baby

Be brave and grab the Power Leap Bar on the ropes course

Go all four years of Upper School without checking a book out of the library

Visit the office because Mel Hurst gives you more affection than your cold, distant mother

Learn from an emotionally inexperienced Link Crew Leader how to have a successful relationship

Expose an elderly woman for being a corrupt, unethical Indiana Jones parody

Get sued, twice

Fail College Counseling class

Receive 15 dubious minutes in one session of Membean

Start an underground fighting ring in the wrestling room

Never let Man Cheer die

Vote yourself for every senior superlative, you egotistical nightmare

Text your official grade GroupMe that “the roads are too icy. Gonna have to call it a snow day, I guess.”

Graduate. Just barely