I don’t know who Saweetie is. I mean, I have absolutely no clue who Saweetie is. A quick Google search taught me that Saweetie (identified by the United States government as Diamonté Quiava Valentin Harper) is a 5’7”, 28-year-old, music artist from Santa Clara, California. After listening to “My Type”, Saweetie’s most successful song, I’ve decided that she’s not my cup of battery acid-flavored Sprite. My taste in music has recently been transformed into “Punk Monk Vampire Trap” after listening to Whole Lotta Red exclusively for two months.

I stumbled upon Saweetie by chance. I was scrolling on the popular Chinese spy malware, TikTok, when a sponsored video appeared on my feed. The official account of McDonald’s had posted a video featuring a strong, independent woman holding a cheeseburger. I found it ironic that the American symbol of capitalist success, McDonald’s, has an account on a social media platform developed by their arch nemesis, the communists. Anyways, said female was surrounded by a pink and purple haze with the words “The Saweetie Meal” hanging above her head. I thought to myself: “This is getting old.” Having a collab meal with Travis Scott is revolutionary, but recreating the concept with Colombian Artist J Balvin seemed like a ploy to take money from marginalized members of society, exactly like capitalism.

What I don’t understand is, why do music artists always receive the collab meals? I’d go to McDonald’s every day if they created a Jake Gyllenhaal Happy Meal. Who at corporate has recently become a melomanic, but only for music listened to by seventh graders, preparing for their JV Football game? McDonald’s has become the guy who tells every girl that he sees, “You probably didn’t know this, but artist Tame Impala is just one person.” Yes Tyler, everyone knows that Tame Impala is just one person.

Unlike all of McDonald’s previous collabs, however, Saweetie has been recognized in the past for her culinary genius. In March, she went viral for putting ranch dressing on her spaghetti.

Not long after seeing the ad, I found myself in a McDonald’s drive through on Camp Bowie, staring into the eyes of an underpaid teenager with a subtle potbelly as I said, “May I please have a Saweetie Meal with an extra bun.” Silence. Making direct eye contact and without blinking, the man in the midst of an existential crisis retorted, “No.” As it turns out, I could get a Saweetie Meal with an extra bun, it just took as long as it did for women to gain the right to vote in the U.S.

With the package secured, I ventured to the Amon Carter Museum of American Art so I could sit down and eat the burger. The last time that I had reviewed a McDonald’s burger, I was in the car, driving to my Eagle Scout Board of Review, a memory I have tried my best to repress. I took a seat at a table that was so short, if it was a human, it would be Anna Hooton ‘22.

As soon as I got my first good look at the brown paper sack the meal came in, I was impressed. McDonald’s poured more money into this collaboration than they did for J Balvin, BTS, Travis Scott, or even The Michael Jordan. The sides of the bag and the back of the french fry container had “The Saweetie Meal” printed on it. It made me happy that someone had paid attention to the small details, all of which personally improved the eating experience for me. The pièce de résistance, however, was that they had produced limited edition “Saweetie n’ Sour” sauce packets which tasted awful but looked amazing with their metallic green cover and disclaimer that the product contains enormous amounts of High Fructose Corn Syrup.

After I finished oohing and awing over a bag, I removed its contents and began to eat. The meal comes with a Big Mac, fries, chicken nuggets, and a “medium,” but really a large, Sprite. I have no idea how Saweetie can eat all this without throwing up or contracting Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The burger consists of three buns (two are at the top and bottom, while one is wedged in the middle of the sandwich), two “beef” patties, Big Mac sauce, pickles, shredded lettuce, chopped onions, and american cheese. It’s just a Big Mac. Nothing special. Just the same ole’ Big Mac that’s kept Zion Williamson so trim and skinny during the NBA offseason.

Next, I moved onto the McNuggets, and wowwee this meal just keeps getting more disappointing. I remember as a child, I got McNuggets once, and I didn’t think they were so bad. My juvenile concept of good food was wildly fallacious. The meat of the nugget is surrounded by a protective shell of fried batter. Trying to bite it is so unsettling because it takes so much power to break the brown exoskeleton, and once you do, your teeth slowly cut through the bone-white “chicken.”

To lighten my mood, I tasted the french fries. Finally, something edible. I got too confident in McDonald’s ability to make fries and dipped them in the “Saweetie n’ Sour” sauce. I choked. There is no Sour, only Saweetie.

The innovation with the Saweetie meal came with the “remixes” that were shown in the promotional videos. “Remixes” are basically creative or weird combinations or changes to the conventional organization of the meal. The “remixes” don’t have official names, so my sister, Kendall Lehman ‘22, has taken the liberty of naming them, based on songs created by Saweetie herself. They are as follows:

“Tap In” to Horse Meat:

During the commercial, a photo of the burger with the top and bottom buns replaced with french fries with the text “no bun, no prob’” above it. It’s the type of food that someone who says, “I’m cutting carbs for New Year’s” would eat on January 2.

“My Type”-2 Diabetes:

This remix is a sandwich, with nuggets as the bun, fries in between, and ketchup on top. It’s like eating a regular McNugget but times two. It took me three full seconds to bite through it. Trust me, I timed it.

“Best Friend”… Don’t Eat That:

The name of this remix is a good piece of advice that Saweetie never heard. Seriously, who eats chicken-flavored oysters (yes, this is another horrid concoction from the mind of Saweetie). The mystery of where the discarded buns from the “Tap In” to Horse Meat went has been solved. This is possibly the most barbaric “remix” of all. Saweetie makes a sandwich with the unused buns and nuggets. The mash-up tastes like absolutely nothing, and since it’s basically all bread, it just sits in your mouth, unable to be swallowed.

This dining experience has quite literally left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s not every day that I risk chronic diarrhea for my school, but when I do, I don’t enjoy it. I mean, the meal wasn’t completely terrible because McDonald’s refused to let Saweetie modify their precious Big Mac. Another bonus: I was able to convince my parents that if they paid the whopping $12.69 for a fast food burger, it would be supporting FWCD and The Falcon Quill. Normally, I would say that Saweetie should stick to making music, but I feel like with proper training, she could replace Gordon Ramsey as the host of “Hell’s Kitchen”. I’m excited to see what Saweetie has in store for her next Instagram Live where she demonstrates to her thousands of viewers how to make escargot with Canes Sauce or gold covered Hot Cheetos. Who knows what the future holds, anything can happen. I dream of a world where Saweetie is respected as a legitimate music artist and where a common phrase at Olive Garden is “would you like ranch with your noodles?”