When I was in kindergarten, I fell in love with theater. It’s a long story with many parts and many, many acts. I will not tell every detail as I have never told the whole story before, and I would like to keep at least some form of privacy to my story.
I do not remember the exact moment I knew my destiny, but I do remember how excited I was when I was one of two kindergarteners admitted into Advanced Theater when kids my age were not even allowed to be in any advanced classes. Throughout the next three years spent at Texas School of the Arts (TESA), I would perform in many plays and musicals on both small and large stages. My dream to become an actress had just started and was growing stronger each day.
For clarification, when I say I wanted to be an actress I meant a movie star. I wanted to be in the movies that people say are amazing and that win Oscars. I wanted my face to be the one people saw in the movie theater. I believed that was my future.
When I came to Fort Worth Country Day in third grade, I was a little disappointed by the lack of fine arts included in the schedule. Nevertheless, whenever anybody asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never wavered from answering with “actress.”
When I got to middle school, I was so excited to be in a theater class again. However, I had to spend one semester doing art and the other doing theater. The only problem was that I had art the first semester. During the third quarter, I had an amazing time in theater class. We just didn’t do much acting like I was used to. But then, COVID hit. And the rest of my semester in theater was stripped away from me.
Sixth grade was the same as fifth. The theater classes were not what I was used to, as FWCD is not a fine arts school, and I did understand that. When I got to seventh grade, I had to pick between theater and art. There was an obvious choice, and my excitement grew as I would now be able to perform again in front of an audience.
The first time I got to perform, I noticed that I was very nervous. When I was at TESA, I had been nervous, but when I got on stage it all went away. Though, that might have been because I was young and a lot less insecure.
When I got to upper school, I got an email about auditioning for the play. I had never heard of that production before and was worried I wouldn’t be good enough. Also, by the time I was a freshman, my dream had faded. I was told that being an actress was unrealistic and unstable. So, I listened to those voices and chose a different path.
I wanted to go into business. By sophomore year, I decided I wanted to go into marketing. I wanted to pitch ideas to people and create presentations. At one point, I did feel extremely passionate about this. Now when I think about it, I can’t even imagine doing something like that.
The first semester of my junior year I took microeconomics. Don’t get me wrong, Mr. [Andrew] Thomas is amazing. However, I just don’t think that class or area of study or anything to do with economics is for me (I did find out that I loved presenting and public speaking though).
Around the second quarter of junior year, my passion for film and filmmaking and acting and cinematography all came crashing back to me sort of unexpectedly. I still was not sure if it was right for me, but I was curious enough to explore further. I convinced Cate Moulard ’27 to be an assistant stage manager for the musical “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” with me. While doing this, I found that I loved every single millisecond of it. I found that I thrive in chaotic and high-pressure environments, and I especially loved the community and shared creativity that everyone had.
I found that I looked forward to going to rehearsals every single day. It was my favorite part no matter how good of a day I had. I didn’t have to think about school, but instead, when to start the music or write down the blocking for that song. As we got closer and closer to tech week, I started to realize how much I was going to miss going to rehearsal every day. I had made so many new connections with people I never would have talked to otherwise.
When tech week came and we had our first performances, it was like I was in another world. From the time that school ended and I stepped into the theater, a whole new day had started. Looking back, it feels like a fever dream. I remember moments but I can’t really remember them happening to me. It’s kind of sad, but I would so much rather remember that I had an experience and not be able to remember the feeling, than not remembering I had the experience at all.
When we got to the closing performance, there were many words said and many tears shed. There was an incredible amount of appreciation and joy in the room when the cast joined all together before the show. The vulnerability everyone showed is what allowed us to feel so connected. Without it, the experience would not hold the same meaning it holds right now.
I wish I could remember every speech and word that was said, but I can’t. I am going to have to deal with knowing that the same experience will never happen again. It’s hard accepting that. All that I am left with is the ghost of a memory, a shared photo album and an idea. The idea, though, could lead me to more incredible experiences in the future.
The night after the closing show, I couldn’t sleep. I don’t remember sleeping at all actually. My mind kept playing different moments that happened and conversations with people I wasn’t going to see in rehearsal the next day.
That morning when I was walking into school, somebody told me happily that I get my life back. My mouth agreed as my mind went a different direction. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to be the first one home, I want to be the last. I don’t want to be the one who opens the garage door for the rest of my family to slowly trickle in throughout the afternoon and evening. I want to be the one who closes it for the night. I don’t want to leave school at four o’clock. I want to leave at nine and drive my friend home and then start homework at 10. I don’t want my keys to be first in line, but last instead. All of the things that can be seen as an inconvenience or as an activity that just prolongs the day, I see as my favorite part of the day.
I used to rush home in order to get that full 15 minutes to myself before anyone else got home. I thought I needed it. But the truth is, I never did. I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t want this screaming silence that is meant to be filled with homework and studying. I want my life back. Not the one with the free time, but the one with the people in that theater. The one within a world so incredible I thought I was just imagining it.
This entire year I have been trying to slow down time. I don’t want to become a senior because that means my older brother is gone and at college. There have been so many moments in my life where I have wanted time to stop, and I have been unsuccessful. However, with this musical I feel like I succeeded. I felt like I had slowed down time. I branched out and I went out of my comfort zone to talk to people that I really enjoy being around. It’s hard to explain the feeling of slowing down time because I’m sure the feeling is different for everyone. I also think that this feeling is really just what it feels like to be proud of myself for trying something new.
As I was driving home every night after the show, I listened to one of my favorite artists, Mark Ambor. One of his songs called “Bruises and Stains” is about feeling every emotion (the song is about more than that, but that is just what I take away from it). The chorus always makes me tear up a little because it reminds me of the fragility of life but also the strength to carry on even when it gets hard. I want to feel joy and grief because those emotions remind me I am alive and there are people and things in this world that I am living for.
Winnie the Pooh once said “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” That is exactly how I feel with this group of people that I experienced something so incredible with.
So, thank you for everything. Thank you for helping me find my dream again. Thank you for making me laugh and cry. Thank you for being part of the people that renewed my dream. I will forever be grateful for you and this experience. I truly had the time of my life and I will never ever forget it.
