Dearest Mark,
You never told me that you were selling the Mavericks. Had I known, I certainly would have sent you a bid. I hear the closing price is around $3.5 billion? Would you consider $343.78? I can pay out $135 in cash, another 78 cents in various coinage, but the rest will have to be an IOU. I also have an extensive collection of used sneakers and antique dental tools if you would be interested in a material exchange instead.
I know the IRS has their eyes on you, and just think about the tax write-off that you would get from this exchange. I’ve seen men richer than you have heart attacks out of excitement over pittances that they get to keep from the government, or maybe they were just having a heart attack. You never know with those kinds of things. And your buyers by the way, the so-called “Adelson family” or whatever they are, I’ve got no clue who they are, and, frankly, I don’t give a damn. The Mav meme accounts that I follow on Instagram and other reputable news outlets tell me that they made their money in casinos. That’s dirty money, Mark. You should know better. I, on the other hand, have made my money through my own sweat and toil. I am a true self-made man, given that we ignore my biweekly allowance. I’ve made my way through life with just a paint brush (and my loving, supporting parents who have so graciously paid for my survival for 18 years). Anyways, if anyone should be the next owner of the Mavericks, it should be me.
What sets me apart from all the other billionaire buyers is my plan for the Dallas Mavericks. Since the Mavs were eliminated from Playoff contention back in April, I’ve been brooding, plotting on how to bring another Larry O’Brien Trophy back to Dallas. In the months that have followed, I’ve written a manifesto outlining my five-point plan to bring immediate success to this organization and now I am ready to share my ideas with you, Marky Mark Cuban, and with the publication of this letter, the greater FWCD community.
Step 1: Fire Kidd, Hire Redick
I’m tired of seeing Jason Kidd’s bulky, black-rimmed glasses on the sidelines as the Mavs lose to every intentionally tanking team in the NBA. I want him gone. JJ Redick, I believe, would be a perfect fit for this team. He has a reputation as one of the smartest young basketball minds, and his acuity for the fine details could work wonders on this team. He would bring a much-needed focus on defense to the table while still cooking up some of the most entertaining offense ever imagined. Redick already has a feel for the team as he was a veteran playing for the Mavs just a few years ago and knows how to lead a locker room. It’s also a plus that he looks great in a suit and doesn’t need glasses. In all honesty, my decision here isn’t based upon the notion that Kidd is a bad coach. I actually think that he’s pretty decent at his job. While I might not agree with his basketball philosophy, predicated on the notion of defense being unimportant when you have the best scorers in the league, I think that he is great at making adjustments in Playoff series and reading opposing team’s offenses. I really just don’t like his glasses. I’m willing to bet they’re false lenses.
Step 2: Release Dwight Powell
I don’t know what kind of blackmail Powell has on you, Cube Dawg, but it must be pretty damning for you to keep bringing him back year after year and repeatedly slotting him in as the starting center despite his aggressively mediocre performance. I’m not a soothsayer, but I see a very forgettable stint in a minor European league before he is lost in basketball oblivion after being bought out from the Mavs.
Dwight, if you’re reading this, just know that it’s not personal, it’s just business. You know how I loved how spectacularly you cut to the basket just to be stuffed by the rim on an alley-oop pass, but now we have Dereck Lively II to do that. I’m sorry, you are an old toy and I’m tired of playing with you.
Step 3: Trade Tim Hardaway, Jr. for LeBron James
I’m not exactly sure how the money would add up for the trade to go through, I just know that it needs to be done. No draft picks would need to be associated with this deal because Hardaway has made a name for himself as one of the league’s premiere shot chuckers, even acclaiming more notoriety than LeBron’s patented “LeFU” three pointers. I think it’s a fair one-for-one swap, but Laker’s General Manager Rob Pelinka might be a little pushy on trading the NBA all-time leading scorer, so I guess we can throw them a 2nd round pick and maybe even a heavily protected 1st.
Step 4: Trade Richaun Holmes for Robert Williams III
Maybe cutting Dwight Powell was a bad idea. It leaves a gaping hole in the center rotation, but I’m not one to admit that I’ve made a mistake so I’ve devised a better solution. What is Richaum Holmes doing for this organization? Nothing, that’s what. He is being paid too much money to only play 10 minutes a game and his salary would be better spent on a center that can contribute to winning basketball now. I propose that we send Holmes to the Portland Trailblazers in exchange for Robert Williams III. The Timelord is on an extremely team-friendly contract (4 year / $48,000,000) given his defensive capabilities and he would be a perfect lob-threat to pair with Luka Dončić. Williams does have his downsides too, that being he is extremely injury prone. He is already out for the season with a right knee injury that he sustained in just his seventh game this year. I’m not worried about Williams and potential injuries because I think that Kyrie Irving can mentor him with his alternative medicine. With some luck, Williams might be able to get his chakras aligned and return to the court this season after, of course, he becomes a Maverick.
Step 5: Relocate to Fort Worth
I can’t imagine a more painful way to suffer than to live in Dallas when Fort Worth exists. Railhead got it right. “Life is too short to live in Dallas.” What does Dallas have that Fort Worth doesn’t? The Mavericks can’t land big name basketball players because Dallas isn’t a free agent destination, but Fort Worth definitely is. Fort Worth has a dedicated fan base and a ready facility to play games. Dickies Arena may seat 6,000 less than American Airlines Center, but what it lacks in chairs it makes up for in the omnipresent odor of manure. I also wouldn’t mind the five-minute commute to Dickies instead of the hour-long drive to Dallas on gameday, and, besides, in the end isn’t this whole thing really just about me?
Mark, I do hope that you seriously consider my offer. My people will be on standby, awaiting your call to accept this deal. Until then, Mr. Mark “Smoke that Cuban” Cuban.
Much love,
Marshall Lehman
